FITN105

I was not good enough while I was there, why do you now feint care?

FITN76

Once you realize what you have done. 

Will you be strong enough to turn back after all the times you would simply run? 

Can you believe that unconditional is real? 

That they were honest when they told you how they feel?

Maybe tell tell them how sorry you are and want them for all time,

Or be too ashamed and hide behind foolish pride?

Show them this time they are your one?

Once you realize what you have done.

Moment

You are only given a handful of moments in life.

Choices you make can chase the darkness like the dawn

Or crush your spirit with emptiness and strife.

Fleeting are these choices, sooner or later they will fade and forever be gone.

Don’t

Don’t cry for me, these scars run deep but have defined the warrior before you.

Finally found myself in the darkness after searching a lifetime.

May stumble occasionally but know I have the strength to see it through.

Took power back from the demons and will reclaim the happiness that is mine.

Dare

Dare to believe in yourself, 

will be the hardest thing you ever do.

Fear giving way to a power you’ve never felt.

Release the sadness and to thine own self be true.

Gone

Same routine day after day. 

Placing hope in a tomorrow always promised.

Ignore intuition, information, holding onto vapor.

Years of inaction in every word they say.

You are a crutch, a trophy of what is good enough.

Resigned to a placeholder in life.

Broken spirit from coercion that makes you feel small.

Existing but never alive, flame of hope they did snuff.

FITN112

A singular moment can never be reclaimed. Every one lost becoming a regret forever in the back of the brain.

FITN111

Blackest day, sorrows realm,

Where not even the monsters dare to dwell.

Find yourself abandoned there,

Feeling as if no one cares.

Could give in and not even try,

Close your eyes and hope to die.

Waste away until nothing’s left,

In a casket of broken dreams set to drift.

That is not the one you are,

Spirit of the brightest ethereal star.

Crawl out of the pit you’ve found yourself in,

Gaze into the mirror and know you will win.

Poison

Small sips of the poison over time and one builds a tolerance. Mentally tormented and emotionally abused, every day stripping more of you away until you believe you wont have a chance.

Turn the Pages

Turn the last page, this chapter is done.

Take a breath and realize just how far you’ve come.

Dip the quill in ink from your vein.

Start a new one, that doesn’t have to end the same.

You’re the author of your own journey.

Take the chance to write your spirit free.

Take hold of the chances given to you.

Believe for once and to your own self be true. 

Maybe pt. 2

Maybe I will fly, or maybe I will fall.

Better to try than to never have lived at all.

Burn

The sun will still shine, and the world will still turn.

New hope arises from the ash of the bridges that needed burned.

FITN104

Brushed off, cast aside, left alone to rot and die.

Stepped on, beat down, used up as the courts clown.

Forgotten one, not worth the time, no one to even try.

Done with the shit, the endless games, only have myself to blame.

Want a servant, I will not be, found a greater belief in me.

Rise above it, I always will, my spirit you can never kill.

More than you, I have been, now you’re the one who’s damned.

Find that life, without me there, trust me this time you’ll care.

Good riddance, your endless war, tell me how it feels broken and weeping on the floor.

FITN109

Call the  quarters, seal the spell.

Hide from the monsters in my head.

Locked eternally in a self made hell.

Gods wont help a soul that’s dead.

Running blindly, such futile endeavors.

Try anything to fade away.

Shattered reflection, communion of devils.

Black sun dawns, another cursed day.

Wayward son, Goddess forever lost.

Darkness embraced, metamorphosis begun.

Long cold winter, heart laden frost.

Fight on lonely warrior, battle not yet won.

Who is There

That person who is always there for everyone else, sometimes they need someone as well.

Again

Always on the outside looking in.

Left to figure it out, no one will be there anyway.

Shove it down, buried deep, nothing left to say.

Hoped to be enough, but here I am again.

Wish

I pray the gods bring you, love.

The kind that ignites your soul

and lets you feel safe being the amazing person you are.

A love that celebrates you each day and leaves you breathless each night.

A love that spans friendship, soul mate and partnership.

This I pray, for you.

FITN106

Same emptiness day after day. Crawl into myself and simply fade away.

FITN108

Another day does come and go.

Across the river of Styx the lost soul goes.

Given up to end the pain.

Twisted memories, damaged brain.

Heart, void of all hope within.

The demons can no longer get in.

To toy with the man who never was.

Coppery tears rain from above.

Shell of all that could not be.

Ghosts of the past is all that’s left to see.

Wind

Coldest wind chills to the bone.

Broken, weary, eternally alone.

Howling screams of tormented despair.

Echos through the waking nightmare.

Maybe it will all end this night.

Lay down, give up the fight.

Forget all that ever was.

Ashes of reality, returned to dust.

FITN107

When you’re easy to forget, forgetting yourself is easy.

Heirloom

Tired, clutching a picture of a different time and place. 

Memories faded, hair greyed, hands shaking.

Crying out, fresh tears streaming down a worn face.

Always sure of the choices making.

Gave everything with all their heart, a life they would never replace.

Once upon a future, hope ripe for the taking.

Noose tightened around neck, silence eternally embraced.

Solstice 2020

Longest, deepest, loneliest black.

Forgotten, is the warmth of yesterday.

Wheel turns again, in the pit you stay.

Crying out from where you’re at.

Fighting monsters born of pain.

Endless torment you can’t seem to end.

Shattered psyche you’re trying to mend.

Subjugated until you think you’re insane.

Move forward this time, the decision made of newfound will.

Resolute in the answers held in your heart.

Old phantoms defeated, new life to start.

Courage returns, this longest night of the year.

One Day

One day the pain will fade. Bitter aftertaste washed away with time. Strength returned to a broken heart. New day will bring a refreshing start. Malignant memories diminished, left benign. Hope replacing the demons who in my mind, stayed.

Bring Me Back

Trapped in the darkest part of my mind. With a look, you bring me back every time.

FITN103

The most haunting sound is silence , where once there was a heart beating.

FITN102

Sometimes the demons in your mind are the only ones who will listen.

Window

Looking through the glass.

Stained and tarnished window of life.

Too blurry to see the future, how to get to where you want to be.

Demons of the past are all you see.

Wrapping up all hope, into blackness will cast.

Burn the chance you’ve been given in the flames of regret.

Too scared, too scarred, their vile words echo in your mind.

No one could give the real you a chance, without their masterful control a failure you are each time.

Subtle servitude, sipping poison from deceitful chalice.

They believe their control absolute, never a reason to doubt.

Holding onto the memories of unconditional, the total peace you did find.

Wrapped in the embrace of eternal promise, giving strength to denounce malice and break the ties that bind.

FITN101

Why is it I cant stop my own mind.

Grasping for something just out of reach.

Plagued by all that, which I will never find.

Battered and broken by the hope that I seek.

I hear the voices screaming at me.

Taunting from the shadows within.

Beckoning damnations final ecstasy.

Never worth it, useless in the end.

Existing in  a choice I did not make.

Alone as always through it all.

Used to being the doormat of fate.

Nothing left to rise, forever the fall.

Swing

Tis the simplest of things, like being pushed on a swing or laughing in the summer breeze, on which one should cling.

Helping through the darkest days to bring a smile to the face, even when the world is bathed in grey, show the potential of a happier time and place.

Echos of what still can be,  unacknowledged truths manifest   infinite possibility, and the only thing standing in the way is the fear of setting ones own spirit free.

FITN100

Looking back on the choices That were made, roads not traversed, chances not taken. 

Regret slithers in, venomous promises encapsulating the emptiness within. 

Lies for the foolish to believe, mannequin made of wasted time and skin.

Lifetime spent running from vile self perceived sins.

Drink the tears of person who used to be.

Forgotten hopes cluttering the minds eye, pushing at the seems.

Fall in line with what should be, enjoy the trappings of what they say is life's dream.

Shut eyes tight, pretend, smile for the world, good enough to feign belief.

Must be better to be envied for what is not.

Than deal with the pain it would take to find what is sought.

So close at times, then fade again doing only what told one ought.

War waged within, burning, numbing, decaying and in the cycle caught.

Snuff the embers of passion, not whats needed.

Live where love is not, inner voice wont be heeded.

Stay in the shadow of the colossus, just another day complete.

Brief moments of time, reminded of what it is to be free.

Fearful of when the time will come.

Cold wasteland devoid of love, in sorrow to succumb.

Stuck always under the masters thumb.

NO!, toss the match on this bridge and in the flames, BECOME. 

Would You

Last moment for the first time.

Realize the finality of  goodbye.

Given all that you asked.

Move forward, release the past.

Would you find the strength.

Step back from the brink.

Hold tightly the life you want to spend.

Find absolute peace in the end.

FITN96

Corrupted dead eyes seeing.

Blackened heart still beating

Calling out to the unknown.

See how my hate has grown.

Pawn in your never ending war.

Plaything in this game no more.

Take your lies, turned to dust.

Harbinger of pain in which I trust.

All that you never thought I could be.

Consort to inequitable misery.

Giving myself to the abyss.

This life wont be missed.

Break the chains your indifference forged.

Fuck the key, knock down the door.

Drown in your self imposed despair.

Last thing you see is my soul void of all care.

 

If I Never

Tomorrow is never a guarantee, it is but a borrowed promise that will need to be returned. May never have the chance to make it known all that you have brought to my life, but unconditional, from you I did learn.

Words

These are the words you will never read. Hope gone, nightmares overtaken dreams. Standing on the outside, looking in. Awash in sadness, longing for home and kin. Hands of the clock moving slowly by. Praying no one sees through my disguise. Put on a smile, my happy face. Fake indulgence leaves such a bitter taste. Bury the pain under lock and key. Entomb whats left so no one can see. The world does not care anyway. Go through the motions day after day. Maybe this is not really the end. Maybe this is where the story finally begins.

Tired

Tired of trying.

Tired of crying.

Tired of the fight.

Tired of my life.

FITN97

Nothing more than a moment in time.

Spend sleepless night questioning why.

Never good enough in my own mind.

You love me through it all and show me what it is to feel alive.

FITN99

All of the most beautiful sonnets, professing undying love, line after line. 

Begin to fade and eventually disappear in the annals of time.

True love cannot be contained to transparent words on a page.

It is simple, tangible, actions shown in life day after day.

Understand

When the connection transcends the veil of life. Time is no barrier to something this right. 

FITN98

I hope you truly know.

 Your presence is always felt in my soul.

Thoughts of your touch, warm like summers kiss.

Essence embraced like home and hearth at Christmas.

FITN95

Days fade into fragile memories as time passes by. Questioning everything, conceding nothing, lost dreams of a reality that was. Too damaged to be loved, too petulant to believe, reliving the nightmares seared into synapse from years of burden and betrayal.

Deep within the bleakest corner of the hollow, the part that has almost died. A minuscule remnant of what was lives on in a hovel, broken promises canopy the sky above. Malnourished, parched, withered and worn but not gone.

Hope grows, you crave this, need this, hope you will grasp it this time. No idea connection could be so complete, so pure, so deep. Eruption of evolution, shed the past in the catacombs of the damned and take your first breath in the life you want.

Yesternights Dream

I see the worn look on your face. You try to hide all of the pain, answering only what you must. Caught up in the existence you want to believe is right, but you know the reality that awaits.

Once upon a yesternight you felt the dream manifest. The reflection in the mirror, the one you had wished was there throughout the years. Moments solidified, time became still, unison in the beating of chests.

Dancing in the tempest, shivering in the fervor of acknowledgement. Awakening all that you were born to experience, to deserve. Left breathless, quivering, paralyzed by unparalleled astonishment.

Just as the November wind chills to the bone. A specter of self doubt locks you back in the  cage. You hear the whisper in your soul each day....yesternights dream, can be tomorrows home.

FITN94

Winding through the the minds valleys.

Meticulously ebbing , making its way to freedom.

No longer  content to simply stay in shadows, wanting at last to become.

Slowly, at first, unbeknownst to the naked heart.

The most precarious of realization that the journey did already start.

Storms of trepidation setting in, cresting the banks, emotions a flood.

Fear of the unknown gripping, crippling, no answers from above.

Chest tightens more with every ragged breath taken.

Stranger looking back from the mirror, the forgotten one now awakens.

Who once was, now futile struggle to contain it.

Down the spiral of eternity, mournful wails emit.

Shedding the remnants if pain to which were catered.

Feeling for a moment, like the one that was only thought remembered. 

Frozen

Frozen in a moment in time.

Crazy how it haunts the mind.

Flooding memories of moments before.

Tears dripping down cheek, a puddle on the floor.

Life has moved on, as it often does.

Wonder if you ever think about what once was.

Though life did not end because you’re not mine.

A piece will remain frozen in time.

FITN89

The farther away, the more acute the sting.

Realization dawns, sadness to your heart brings.

No matter what you did they have just been there.

Cheering you on, even though you never show you care.

Ripping yourself apart trying to answer why.

All the sleepless nights, all the times you want to die.

Spinning around inside yourself until you give up again.

Unwilling to let go of the shame, a new life to begin.

The most terrifying thing, even more than the past.

You’re future just as it is now, to be given just what you asked.

FITN90

Disturbing how we can stay with those that hurt us,

hurt the ones that love us. Believe the ones that tear us down, and turn our backs on the ones that want to build us up.

FITN93

Mind is racing, always chasing, poison burn, try not to taste it.

Hide in plain sight, no way to fight, lay on the tracks, no end in sight.

Same as before, receive nothing more, blind but can see,  soul drained and body sore.

Used and cast away, would never stay, broken under heel, nothing left to say.

Dead and gone, never did belong, worthless excuse ,  harbingers song.

FITN91

During the most disastrous moments, you will find out who really wants to stay beside you in life.

FITN92

Amalgamation of pain, love, hatred and lust.

Don’t want to keep going, but I know I must.

Tighten up my bootstraps, weighed down by all that I know.

Step after step I will continue to go.

Belong

When you are where you don’t belong.

Spent all your luck, cards have all been drawn.

Could let everything go, give up all that you are.

Or push past the fear and reach for the stars.

Widdershins

Another day passes in this new life I never asked for.  

Sometimes I can’t get out of bed and others feel stronger than before. 

Middle of the night or a bright sunny day. 

Fairly sure I could care less either way.

Tears flow freely in the most inappropriate times.

Why was I so dense to not have seen the signs.

Dreams and nightmares blur into one.

Praying for a day where more than a moment of peace comes.

Small slivers of hope, occasionally, do begin.

Then engulfed in flames, life goes widdershins again.

FITN 88

How cruel is the hypocrisy of life. 

Suffer the days, pretending its all ok.

Younger years you might have put up a fight.

Stay put where you don’t want to be, no one gives a fuck anyway.

Easier, you say, cause the work would be hard.

Safer, it’s the devil you already know.

Better, they will all say in your life you’re a star.

Inside is dead, hollow, hated...why didn’t you just go.

Look back at all the wasted time, never able to reclaim.

Will you ever say all thats really on your mind?

Maybe this is what your demons enjoy, some twisted game.

Try just once, you might be surprised at what you find.

Cry

In the garage where you go to hide. 

Box of tissues, the place you can cry.

Only thing you want is to be by their side.

Too afraid of the change, you let the tears flow free from your tormented eyes.

You wonder if they hate you so.

Hope they move on and just let you go.

They deserve all the happiness they could ever know.

You deserve nothing but pain, seeds of sadness you did sow.

What if you’re wrong and it is you they are meant for.

Should they have the choice to celebrate all you are and see you soar?

Could be, in their eyes you deserve the world and more.

Will you take the step, they are just behind the door?

Haunted

Haunted by the wraiths of long ago. Plucking at the edges of your sanity. Reminding you of your faults, how simple and weak you are. Delighting as you believe them again. 

You know they are not there, this is how the nightmare goes. Logically you can stop it at any time, you have the key. Somehow you have slipped once again into the abysmal dark. Just giving up, accepting it in the end.

Despair engulfing the entirety of what’s known. Broken and alone is what you’re destined to be. Eyes grow distant as you disappear inside your crumpled heart. That which is longed for, never to begin.

Distance

Where have you been hiding all this time?

Took only a second to recognize, and sear forever in my mind. 

Hoped an entire life for happiness to be defined. 

When neither searching or believing ,there you were.

Brought laughter to silence and made a darkened heart begin to stir.

Take the chance, move in faith, scared but absolutely sure.

Run

Running from the ghosts of the  past. Go as far and as fast as you can. What will it take to outrun the vile memories of a life wasted? Tighten the noose, swallow the pills, let the life drain from freshly opened veins.

Would the specters follow to the bowels of hell or would it be far enough at last?  Broken on the rack, spirit ground under heel again. Realization the dreams were really an illusion and happiness you have yet to taste. Heart shattered, skin ashen, hands scarred and stained.

Storm of life raging and ships passing all to fast. Measured and weighed, the circumstances of sins. Every morning in the mirror, same as days gone by, monster faced. Reality hits that though much was lost, more has been gained.

FITN87

Really going to let them walk away, without telling them what you’ve always wanted to say? 

FITN86

You know where you want to be. Are you working to get there or just playing make believe?